I don't even know where to start with this entry; I have been selfishly spending my time dealing with loss, tragedy, and joy. How is it that you can feel all of these things at once? To understand, you have to go back to the beginning~putting words here, not pen to paper, with hopefully still bring some sense of catharsis. My other wish is to not hurt anyone by writing about all of this.
"Magenta...that's what I call it when I get that way. All kinds of feelings tumbling all over themselves. Well you know, you're not quite blue, because you're not really sad. And although you're a little bit jealous you wouldn't say you're green with envy. And every now and then you realize you're kind of scared but you'd hardly call
yourself yellow...I hate that feeling. Just hate it. And I hate the color magenta. That's why I name it that. Magenta. No way to explain it it, but fortunately between friends you don't have to." ~Blanche Devereaux, The Golden Girls.
I remember Jim calling me from work and asking if I had talked to Valine. I told him no. He said to call her right away, but I felt no alarm. It should have been a red flag~he was already on his way home to be with me. I called her right back, and she told me that Art had passed away the night before. My first reaction was to as her if I could come and help with their children. They have five fantastic children; three girls and two boys. Valine simply said that I needed to come out right away and be there. No sooner had I hung up and Jim was there. It too
Having lived away from my siblings for twelve years now, this was not the kind of visit I had hoped to be having. Who ever wants a visit like this! But it was a great gathering of love and devotion for a husband, father, brother, and friend. Art is a
friend to all, and his wife, Valine is an advocate for all good things. My brother Jeff gave a masterful and heartfelt eulogy that no one else could give. It balanced humor and wit against the great personality that was being described. Becca smiled so fully as she gave the funniest life sketch, and Elise sang so beautifully the hymn, "How Great Thou Art". I don't know how any of them made it through their great offerings. I could barely speak the prayer for the service. It was great to sing, "Hark All Ye Nations"with the entire family and sing the chorus in Italian. Both Art and Valine served their missions in the Italy, Rome Mission. Sam Rodabaugh sang his guts out next to me! Bless him for his love of music and for singing so beautifully! Everyone was there! What a great moment in time.
At the graveside service, Valine and each of the children lined Art's casket with some of his favorite ball caps. Heidi and I were standing holding hands as they placed them so gingerly and with love.
Then the Boston Celtics hat went down and she whispered, "I gave him that hat." There was so much pain in her voice, I am weeping uncontrollably just thinking about it. Jeff came and joined our line of siblings. I was on the end and kept looking for Kate. I kept calling her name, and she didn't come. She wasn't there, but my Uncle Nate was and he took my hand. I can look back at my life thus far and see he and my Aunt Carol and others in my family doing that for me. I never want that feeling again...where I cannot find one of my siblings!
I am so grateful to them. One couldn't possibly list all of the tender mercies that life has given them, but a good and loving family is one that I have come to really love and appreciate during my life. I sure love you all! After that came photos. I was really mad because they misspelled Art's name on his casket. I wasn't ever going to divulge this, but I have to tell on
myself. I shouldn't have been having those feelings, especially at that time!
Never one to miss out on a little humor, my younger sister Katie was looking
for Susan. Katie is a bit shorter than the rest of the Vikari Clan. She is a stunning woman, but sought out the "higher" to find her girlfriend. (Katie, I know you REALLY look up to me :)) At that point, Heidi and Jeff also joined us. We grabbed ourselves into a circle, shared the realization that out of six we were four...
and then started quoting lines from "Patton". A good chuckled was had by all~a welcome respite.
Valine and Art's love is not diminished, only heightened. I am glad that there is eternity for our families. I know that though their time here was cut short to
27 years, their number will actually be eternity.
It is difficult to express my love for Valine, because it is so complex. She is a road-paver, an example, a bridge, a rock, a friend, a trooper, and she expresses herself purely and succinctly. She is exactly what our family has always needed. So, seeing her go through this suffering since Art's injury and his death has been particularly painful for me. I hate to see them in pain...Valine and the children. No one will ever make it better. No one will make us miss Art less. Only the passing of time and feeling him near makes it easier that he isn't physically here. And yet, there is Valine going about the raising of their family and making ends meet. This was not part of the plan for them, but here it is. My heart goes out to you Valine and I love and appreciate you with all of my heart. Thank you!
The holidays were very difficult, especially Thanksgiving. I was such a mess I could only go out to the car and call Heidi. That was Art's favorite time to cook for family and friends. They would come and feel instantly join in the love and laughter in that home. I could hear them making the most of a difficult day...laughing and working...all the sounds that should accompany that day. It was really nice to have been invited to Justin and Rachel's home for Thanksgiving. We had excellent food, and enjoyed them and Evelyn and Lily so much. Briana was there too, in case you're worried.
Christmas came and we had some FABULOUS news! Briana had found the man she was to marry.
"Um, he's an American. Uh, he's from L.A., actually...And he's this completely wonderful, wonderful, amazing man, and...well, we started seeing each other, a lot...and, um...we fell in love. Ha! Ha! It actually happened! And, uh, we've decided to get married...which means that, I'm engaged! Ha! I'm engaged! I'm getting married! Ha!" (Father of the Bride, Annie) No, she didn't say it like that...
Mark and Briana decided to be sealed in January 2012. Joy was not eclipsed by the sadness, it co-exists just fine within me. What to say about this most extraordinary man? He is kind, sensitive, and loving; but since he is a manly-man (ARMY---OHAAHHH), he is a brut as well.
They hadn't know each other very long, but they knew they wanted to be sealed in the Palmyra, New York Temple. It left only a little bit of time, but we got it all done. It was an amazing adventure. Everyone was enlisted to help get things done for that special day. Rachel was incredible! She made the most darling bows for the girl's dresses and just was the right hand helper for everything wedding. Elizabeth made an incredible bouquet and made sure that she, Daniel and Jennifer were there. Mark's mom, Donna brought Dove chocolates that were perfect for the luncheon, Justin took Mark to lunch as a brother, and so many others that made it possible.
Two people who have to be mentioned for their incredible contributions are Karen and Darryl May. They did all the photography, and it is stunning! Also of note are the many who came long distances to be there: Ann Odom, my parents, Kathy, Roger, Nicole and Jarom, and Mark's parents~David and Donna. They were surrounded by those who love them, and yet, it was their day. A new family joined through all eternity.
It seems so fitting to have had a wedding at this time, while it made the loss more evident in my life, it also reminded me that our families will be together forever if we have the saving ordinances and live worthily of those blessings. What more comforting knowledge that this could there be? I cannot think of any more comforting doctrine in the gospel other than that we have a Savior in Jesus Christ, than that we can live forever with our family.
~I want to add another MAGENTA happening. Throughout their engagement, my dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 Merkel Cell Carcinoma. It's an aggressive, rare skin cancer that effects the kinds of cells that help us to feel things with our hands, etc. His prognosis was and is grim. Mom and I took him to Michigan where he found a team of specialists who deal primarily with this kind of cancer. Statistically the odds are very much against him. He is not a surgical candidate, nor a radiation candidate at this point. Without any kind of treatment, he would likely succumb in fewer than 6 months. He is undergoing chemotherapy right now. If they see improvement, they will add radiation. So, we wait.~Jim's family was at one of Kathy's pageants and a girl did a reading of her own poetry as her talent. At the end of each paragraph (for lack of the right term at this moment) she would say "waiting...waiting..." We have come to say "hating...waiting." It truly is horrible! We did get some nice photos, again by Karen! She is amazing! Love you Karen.
Maybe it is easier to understand why the word "magenta" describes what life has felt like for the past seven months. The tugging of emotions from despair to elation has been evident, but life moves forward. Life is never easy, in fact it is almost always very difficult! I often wish that it weren't. But as I sit ready to close this novella, the lyrics of "Impossible Dream" are flooding into my mind. Jim is such a man! Art is such a man! Dad is such a man! My Grandfathers are such men, and by golly, if a woman could be such a man, I hope I AM!
"To dream...the impossible dream...
To fight...the unbeatable foe...
To bear...with unbearable sorrow...
To run...where the the brave dare not go...
To right...the unrightable wrong...
To love...pure and chaste from afar...
To try...when your arms are too weary...
To reach the unreachable star...
This is my quest, to follow that star...
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far...
To fight for the right, without question or pause...
To be willing to march in to Hell for a Heavenly cause...
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm,
when I'm laid to my rest...
And the world will be better for this:
That one man, scorned and covered with scars,
Still strove with his last ounce of courage,
To reach...the unreachable star!" (Impossible Dream, Man of La Mancha)
Thank you to my wonderful family~JIM~how I adore and love and appreciate you! JACE, you are such a joy in my life! Jennifer~A friend when you need one---super excited about your job!!!..., Justin~Steady and true. Rachel~kindred spirit who isn't afraid of anything. Evelyn~the happy, smiley girl who makes me laugh, Daniel~you most compassionate and loving of men. Briana~a forever friend, Mark~my new favorite son! Lily~your crying makes me love you more ;D and SO many others. You've made feeling magenta bearable.
